转载:如何培养出成功的孩子,不要过度呵护



演讲者Julie Lythcott-Haims

将用激情和诙谐的语言

告诉你一种全新的教育方式

Julie Lythcott-Haims

曾为斯坦福大学新生学院的院长,在她几十年的工作过程中,观察了很多孩子的教育,并出版了书籍《How to Raise an Adult》。

她通过大量的写作和演讲来批判“直升机养育法”——即父母盘旋在子女身边,持续给予子女过度教育和关注的养育法。

在养育自己孩子的过程中,以及了解了成千上万的家庭之后,她认为,父母负责给孩子提供健康的环境,让他们自由生长。给予孩子无条件的爱,这样才能让他们学会爱与被爱。同时鼓励他们成为最闪耀的自己,至于上什么大学、做什么工作,应当交给孩子自己去决定。

演讲全文:

其实,对于怎样做父母,我并不是很感兴趣,更别提怎样做优秀的父母了。只是我发现,最近父母的教育方式有些让孩子们混乱,阻挡他们发展成自己了,父母的教育模式正阻挡孩子的自由发展。我们以前总责怪那些没有在孩子身上花太多时间的父母,觉得他们对孩子的教育成长不够关心,这是对的。

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.



但另一方面,有些父母也做得很过分,他们觉得如果不保护孩子,孩子就不会取得成功,所以他们按部就班,小心翼翼,督促孩子朝着进入顶尖名校这唯一目标而努力。

But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.



当我们如此培养孩子的时候,我想大多数父母都会如此,包括我自己,其实我们是给孩子们树立了一个“清单式童年”。

When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.



那是什么样呢?我们保证他们的安全,保证他们的生活需要,我们希望他们进入名校,不仅如此,还要进入名校的好班级,还要取得好的成绩,而且不仅好的成绩,还要获得各种奖项,参加各种活动,培养他们的领导力。我们告诉孩子们,不要参加社团,创办一个社团,因为这才是大学看重的。我们还要帮他们创造社区服务的机会,因为大学要求之一就是你要关心他人。

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores,but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.



我们所做的这些,其实是在要求孩子们的完美,而这种完美我们都从未要求自己做到过。同时为了做到这些,我们曾与每一位老师,校长,教练,裁判员理论过,表现的像是小孩的看门人,私人管家和秘书。

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.



但对于我们宝贵的孩子们呢,我们软硬兼施,暗示,帮助,挑剔指责,以期能保证他们不搞砸他们的未来,以期他们能获得进入顶尖名校的许可,相比之下,这些名校的录取率却是如此之低。

And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.



清单式童年,孩子是什么感受?首先,他们没有时间玩耍,即使是在下午放学后,还有很多的事情要做。我们把每次家庭作业,每次测验,每一次活动都看成是对未来有决胜意义的一举。我们舍不得让他们做家务,甚至有时会牺牲他们的睡眠时间以完成未完成的清单。我们会说,希望他们是快乐教育,但当孩子放学回家时,我们问的第一件事通常都是他们的作业和分数。他们从我们的脸上看到,只有得到A,才会得到爱和其它的奖励。我们对待孩子,有时就像教练训犬一样,日复一日地督促他们跳得更高,飞得更远。

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show, coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.



当他们升入高中的时候,他们并不会问自己想学什么和参加什么活动,反而去问辅导老师,他们需要做些什么才能进入名校呢?如果在考试中得了B或夸张的C时,他们会非常焦虑,到处问朋友,有没有人得了B或者C最后还进入了顶级名校呢?

And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"



最后,不管孩子们的毕业成绩怎样,他们都会觉得整个高中过程压力大到无法呼吸,他们筋疲力尽,比前几届的毕业生都要显老。他们期待父母会说“孩子,你已经做得够好了,你已经尽力了”。他们彷徨,处于巨大的焦虑和低沉情绪中,他们会问自己,这样的付出真的值得吗?

And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?



家长们都会觉得特别值得,我们简单的相信,如果孩子们没进入那些顶级大学或者我们认为的高薪行业,他们就不会有未来。其实,也许,我们害怕的只是将来在朋友面前,我们没有可吹嘘的谈资而已。

Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them. Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.



如果你看看我们所做的,如果你有勇气睁开眼看看我们的所作所为,你会发现,不但孩子们认为他们的价值在于分数,我们也是这样认为的。就像电影《傀儡人生》一样,当我们主导他们的思维时,我们也把分数放在第一位。我们给孩子们传达的信息是“没有我你不会有所成就”。

But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."

我们的过度帮忙,过度保护和引导,我们的关怀备至,剥夺了孩子们建立“自我效能(指人们对自身能否利用所拥有的技能去完成某项工作行为的自信程度)”的机会,而这才是人类精神的基本,远比自尊重要。自我效能是在看到自己的行为收获好的结果过程中逐步建立的,是自己的行为,而不是父母的行为。

And so with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go. Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions lead to outcomes.



简单说,如果孩子想发展“自我效能”,他们必须自己独立思考,自己做计划和决定,自己去行动,模仿,实验,犯错等,自己去经历生活并建立自己的梦想。那我的意思是那些自我驱动和辛苦努力的孩子们不需要家长的参与吗?家长们应该放手不管任由其自由发展吗?绝对不是。

So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.



我的意思并不是这样。我想表达的是,当我们把成绩和奖励作为童年的意义,只为了将来能挤入名校或者传统高薪行业的话,我们对成功的定义就太窄了。尽管我们可以帮孩子们取得一些短期的胜利,比如帮他们做家庭作业或参加更多的兴趣班或活动。但从长远来看,我们牺牲的确是他们的自我感。

That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self.



我想说的是,我们关注的重点不应该是那些他们将来可能进入的少数的名牌大学,而应该更加多关注他们的生活习惯,思维方式,各种技能,善良的品格,这才是将来取得成功的关键。

What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.

我想说的是,我们需要更少关注他们的成绩,而把精力更多的放在为他们将来的成功提供一个良好的基础,比如爱和做家务。

What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.



为什么要做家务呢?迄今为止最长的人类跟踪研究是哈佛大学的“格兰特研究”,持续了76年,研究主题是“什么样的人,最可能成为人生赢家”。研究发现,我们期望的成功很大程度上与从孩童时代开始做家务有关系,而且越早开始做家务越好。那种卷起袖子一起把事情做完的心态,那种总有些不好的工作需要人去完成,那我去好了的心态。那种通过我的努力能让事情变得更好,能让我在工作中更领先的心态,我们都感受过。

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.



我们虽然都知道这些,但对于清单式童年的孩子来说,我们不舍得让他们做家务,当他们进入职场时,还会习惯性地等别人给列清单,但可惜没有。更重要的是,他们缺乏主动性,缺乏撸起袖子一起干活的本能,他们只是呆呆地等着,并不会对周围保持敏感,主动做些帮助同事的工作,不会主动去想,我怎么能多做些上司需要的事情呢?

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?



格兰特研究的第二个重大发现是,生活中快乐的源泉是爱,不是爱工作,而是爱人,爱伴侣,爱合作伙伴,爱朋友,爱家人。所以,在孩子们还小时,就应该培养他们如何去爱,如果他们不爱自己的话,他们就无法去爱他人,如果我们不能提供无条件的爱的话,他们也无法学会爱自己。

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

所以,与其过多关注孩子们的学业成绩,当孩子们放学回家,当我们结束工作回到家时,关掉那些科技设备和手机,看着孩子们的眼睛,让他们看到你眼中的快乐,就像他们刚出生时我们眼中的快乐一样。温柔地问他们,“你今天过得怎么样,有什么好玩的事情么?”。当你的女儿回答说“午餐很好”,就像我女儿经常回答的那样,但其实我想听她谈论一下数学,但我还是得忍住,继续跟她谈午餐,我会问“午餐吃了什么好吃的?”我们需要让孩子们感受到,我们对他们的爱来源于他们自身,而不是学业成绩。

Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.



也许你正在想,爱和做家务,听起来很好,但让我缓一下,那些顶尖大学需要的是好的成绩和很多的奖励,我来告诉你,有些是。只有那些非常顶尖的学校才是如此要求的,但好消息是,即使你没有进入那些顶尖大学,你依然可以获得幸福成功的人生。幸福和成功的人也会读州立大学,也会读那些你根本连名字都没听说过的大学,也会读社区大学,有的甚至也会因为不及格而被劝退过。

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.



这样的例子非常之多,我们的周围都有这样的例子,而且,这是真相。如果我们能拓宽自己的边界,愿意考虑更多的大学,不再一味秉承好大学等同于成功的观念,我们就能看到这个真相,就会意识到,即使孩子们没有进入名牌大学,也不是世界末日。

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.



而且更重要的是,如果孩子们度过的不是清单式童年,不论他们将来进入哪所大学,那都是他们自由意志的选择,他们充满了渴望,准备好了,而且有能力开启自己的绚烂人生。

And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.



我不得不承认一件事,我有两个孩子,Sawyer和Avery,他们现在已经长大了,但以前有段时间,我的培养方式也是把他们看做盆景一样,我细心的呵护,培养,修枝剪叶,希望他们将来能进入那些竞争激烈的大学。后来,作为大一新生院长的经历让我突然意识到,我的孩子们不是温室里的花朵,他们是野花,是独一无二的巨大潜力的野花。

I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species.

而我的任务是给他们提供一个良好的环境,提供爱和做家务的机会,所以他们才能爱自己,才会接收爱,至于大学,专业,事业,则全由他们自己决定。我的工作不是让他们长成我希望的样子,我的工作是支持他们绽放他们自己的灿烂人生。

And it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
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